Women Know Exactly What They’re Doing When They Use ‘Weak Language’
为何女性会选择战略性“示弱”
Adam Grant
亚当·格兰特
“Stop using weak language.” If you’re a woman, you’ve probably gotten this advice from a mentor, a coach or a teacher. If you want to be heard, use more forceful language. If you want a raise or a promotion, demand it. As the saying goes, nice girls don’t get the corner office.
“不要再使用弱势的语言了。”如果你是女性，你可能从导师、教练或老师那里得到过这个建议。如果你想让别人听到你，就要使用更有力的表达。如果你想要加薪或升职，就提出要求。俗话说，克己复礼的女孩难获擢升。
This advice may be well intentioned, but it’s misguided. Disclaimers (I might be wrong, but …), hedges (maybe, sort of), and tag questions (don’t you think?) can be a strategic advantage. So-called weak language is an unappreciated source of strength. Understanding why can explain a lot about the way women acquire power and influence – and how men do, too.
这个建议可能是出于好意，但具有误导性。免责声明（“也许我说的不对，但是……”）、缓冲性词语（“也许”、“有一点”）和反问句（“你不觉得吗？”）可以是一种战略优势。所谓的弱势语言是一种未得到重视的力量来源。理解其中的原因可以解释女性——以及男性——获得力量和影响力的方式。
It turns out that women who use weak language when they ask for raises are more likely to get them. In one experiment, experienced managers watched videos of people negotiating for higher pay and weighed in on whether the request should be granted. The participants were more willing to support a salary bump for women – and said they would be more eager to work with them – if the request sounded tentative: “I don’t know how typical it is for people at my level to negotiate,” they said, following a script, “but I’m hopeful you’ll see my skill at negotiating as something important that I bring to the job.” By using a disclaimer (“I don’t know …”) and a hedge “(I hope …”), the women reinforced the supervisor’s authority and avoided the impression of arrogance. For the men who asked for a raise, however, weak language neither helped nor hurt. No one was fazed if they just came out and demanded more money.
事实证明，在要求加薪时使用弱势语言的女性更有可能获得加薪。在一项试验中，经验丰富的经理们观看了人们谈判加薪的视频，并权衡这些要求是否应被批准。如果女性以试探性的方式提出要求，被试者更愿意支持这些女性加薪，并表示会更愿意与她们一起工作。“我不知道和我这个级别的人谈判是否常见，”她们按照剧本说，“但我希望你会看到我的谈判技巧，它在我的工作中发挥的重要作用。”通过使用免责声明（“我不知道……”）和缓冲“（我希望……”），女性强化了主管的权威，同时避免留下傲慢的印象。然而，对于那些要求加薪的男性来说，弱势语言既无益也无害。如果他们直接提出要求涨薪，也没人会感到困扰。
In 29 studies, women in a variety of situations had a tendency to use more “tentative language” than men. But that language doesn’t reflect a lack of assertiveness or conviction. Rather, it’s a way to convey interpersonal sensitivity – interest in other people’s perspectives – and that’s why it’s powerful.
在29项研究中，女性在各种情况下都比男性倾向于使用更多“试探性语言”。但这种语言并不表明女性缺乏自信或信念。相反，它是一种表达人际敏感性的方式——关心他人的视角——所以它是强大的。
In the United States and in many cultures, gender stereotypes still hold that men should be dominant and assertive, while women should be kind and caring. When women violate these stereotypes, they often get punished. In a meta-analysis of dozens of studies, when women asserted their ideas, made direct requests and advocated for themselves, they were judged as less hirable. Although they were seen as equally competent, they were liked less than men who engaged in the exact same behaviors.
在美国和许多文化中，性别刻板印象仍然认为男性应该占主导地位，应该自信，而女性应该善良体贴。当女性违背这些刻板印象时，她们常常会受到惩罚。在对数十项研究进行的荟萃分析中，当女性表达自己的想法、提出直接要求并为自己辩护时，她们被认为不太适合雇用即使她们被认为与男性同样有能力，但和有同样行为的男性比起来，她们不太受欢迎。
New evidence reveals that it’s not ambition per se that women are being penalized for. In fact, women who are perceived as intelligent and capable, determined and achievement-oriented, independent and self-reliant are seen as more promotable to leadership positions.
新的研究证据表明，有野心并非女性受到惩罚的原因。事实上，那些被认为聪明能干、意志坚定、注重成就、独立自主和自力更生的女性，更容易晋升到领导职位。
The problem arises if people perceive them to be forceful, controlling, commanding and outspoken. These are qualities for which men are regularly given a pass, but they put women at risk of being disliked and denied for leadership roles. (Not surprisingly, the backlash is even stronger when a woman is Black). Instead of being judged just on their performance, they are dinged for their personality. Overbearing. Too abrasive. Sharp elbows.
但如果人们感觉她们强势、控制欲强、发号施令且出言无忌，那么问题就会出现。这些特点通常不会对男性构成阻碍，却让女性面临不受欢迎和被拒绝担任领导角色的风险。（毫不奇怪，当女性是黑人时，这种反作用甚至更强烈）。人们不仅评价她们的表现，还评价她们的个性。霸道、太粗鲁，充满手段。
A man who issues orders is known as tough and hard-charging. A woman who speaks authoritatively still gets branded as a self-centered shrew. As the cartoonist Judy Horacek put it: “What’s the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? Your gender.”
一个男人发号施令，人们认为他严厉、强硬。一个女人命令式发话，仍然会被贴上以自我为中心的悍妇标签。正如漫画家朱迪·霍拉切克所说：“自信和咄咄逼人之间的区别在哪里？在于你的性别。”
Talking tentatively appears to be a strategy that women use to avoid these unjust repercussions.
试探性地交谈似乎是女性用来避免这些不公正后果的一种策略。
In a classic experiment, the psychologist Linda Carli had men and women record the same speech two different ways. One version was assertive. The other was tentative, sprinkled through with disclaimers (I’m no expert, but …), hedges (sort of, kind of), and tag questions (right? wouldn’t you say?).
在一项经典试验中，心理学家琳达·卡利让男性和女性用两种不同的方式录制同一篇演讲。其中一个版本是自信的。另一个是试探性的，充满了免责声明（“我不是专家，但是……”）、缓冲（“有点”，“差不多”）和反问句（“对吗？”“你不觉得吗？”）。
When the speech was given by a man, audiences found the assertive and tentative versions equally persuasive. When the same speech was delivered by a woman, though, style made a big difference. So did the gender of the audience member. Female observers found the woman more persuasive when she spoke assertively. But men were more convinced when she spoke tentatively. They saw her as more likable and trustworthy.
当由一名男性进行这番演讲时，听众发现自信的版本和试探性的版本同样有说服力。然而，当女性发表同样的演讲时，风格就会产生很大的差异。听众的性别也是一个重要因素。女性听众发现，当这位女士自信地说话时更有说服力。但当她使用试探性语言时，男人们更加相信她。他们认为她更讨人喜欢、更值得信任。
Because men can find female power threatening, women learn that they frequently have more sway if they equivocate a bit. As the organizational behavior expert Alison Fragale observes, we often underestimate “the power of powerless speech.”
由于男性会觉得女性的权力具有威胁性，所以女性知道，如果她们稍微含糊其辞，自己往往会拥有更大的影响力。正如组织行为专家艾莉森·弗拉格尔所观察到的那样，我们经常低估“无力言论的力量”。
It’s outrageous that women have to tame their tongues to protect fragile male egos, but the likability penalty is still firmly in place. And it’s outrageous that it’s easier for me to call out these dynamics than it is for women, who get penalized if they dare to point out the same disparities. Instead of punishing women for challenging stereotypes, we should be challenging the stereotypes themselves.
令人愤慨的是，女性必须驯服自己的舌头来保护男性脆弱的自尊，但不被喜欢的惩罚仍然牢固。同样令人愤慨的是，比起女性，由我指出这些动力更容易，如果她们敢于指出同样的差异，她们就会受到惩罚。我们不应该因为挑战刻板印象而惩罚女性，而应该挑战刻板印象本身。
In workplaces, structural changes can help. Performance reviews should focus on substance, not style. In deciding promotions, bosses should consider all those who meet the objective qualifications unless they opt out. When no one has to ask for a promotion, women don’t have to risk coming across as too demanding. Those changes are enough to help reduce the gender gap in leadership. But that doesn’t erase the unfair reality that every day, when women speak up for themselves and promote their ideas, they face a tax for violating stereotypes.
职场的结构性变革会起到帮助作用。绩效评估应该强调实质而非风格。老板做晋升决策时，应考虑所有符合客观条件的员工，除非他们选择退出。如果升职无需开口就能实现，那女性就不必冒险给人留下要求过高的印象。这些变化都能够帮助缩小领导层的性别差距。但这并不能消除一个不公平的现实：每一天，只要女性为自己发声、讲出自己的想法，她们都要为打破刻板性别印象付出代价。
Gender stereotypes don’t hurt only women – they often hold men back too. Economists find that headstrong girls grow up to earn less money at work … and so do needy and dependent boys. This is true even after accounting for occupation, education and self-esteem. And just as women are liked less if they’re seen as arrogant and disagreeable, men are liked less and paid less if they come across as too modest and too agreeable.
性别刻板印象不仅伤害女性，也常常会拖男性后腿。经济学家发现，坚持己见的女孩长大后薪水更低，而情感需求大、依赖性强的男孩也是如此。即便把职业、教育和自尊水平考虑在内，这一结论也是成立的。就像女性如果被视为傲慢难相处就不会受欢迎一样，男性如果给人的印象是太谦虚、太好说话，他们也不会那么受欢迎，薪水也会更低。
The solution to this problem isn’t to urge meek men to become arrogant. It’s to normalize “weak language” as a strong way to express concern and humility. If we do that, we won’t have to keep encouraging women to communicate more forcefully. Instead, we’ll finally be able to recognize the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness.
解决这一问题的办法不是要求温和的男性变傲慢。而是要将“弱势语言”正常化，成为一种表达关心和谦逊的有力方式。如果能做到这点，我们就不用一直鼓励女性在沟通时更强势了。相反，我们将会最终辨明自信和咄咄逼人之间的区别。
Assertiveness is advocating for yourself. Aggressiveness is attacking others. Standing up for yourself isn’t pushy – it means you’re not a pushover. It’s not a selfish act but an act of self-preservation.
自信是对自我的笃定。咄咄逼人则是去攻击他人。坚持自己的立场并非固执己见，而是意味着你是一个不容易被摆布的人。这并非自私之举，而是对自我的保护。
I hope for a day when we no longer need articles like this. I might be wrong, but it’s probably time to stop penalizing women who speak their minds … don’t you think?
我希望有一天我们不再需要这样的文章。我可能是错的，但或许是时候停止惩罚那些说出自己想法的女性了……你说呢？
（明斋、Harry Wong 译）
